The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
You Might Also Like
This headline is a thing of beauty
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator