Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
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KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*