I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
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My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant