yeah but what if it 饾椂饾榾 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn鈥檛 like 饾槅饾椉饾槀
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Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I accidentally used my mom鈥檚 fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it鈥檚 tail inside a jar of pickles.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let鈥檚 get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it鈥檚 a thing we鈥檙e doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.