83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
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How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I am HOWLING at this
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that