Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
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I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
couldn’t resist
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.