Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
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Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
The internet is full of many things
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.