Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue