In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
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Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I’m good, thanks.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned