I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
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Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
welp
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs