don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 馃檮
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8yo: The internet is down. I鈥檓 going to go play at my friend鈥檚 house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
The kid鈥檚 party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I鈥檒l never hear again
Parents: Don鈥檛 play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here鈥檚 a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she鈥檚 looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you鈥檙e really bluetiful
this… may be the greatest story ever told
DICKENS: I鈥檝e got writers block… I鈥檒l have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
5: I鈥檝e only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that鈥檚 the one you already had on
5: oh
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.