Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
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Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.