Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
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Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne