Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
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Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Plant care tips
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.