me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.