For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
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I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
What about second breakfast?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth