Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
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Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
*me flirting
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.