Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
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[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere