I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
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Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I’m sure it’s fine.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.