if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
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If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Extremely relatable.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15