5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
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Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
moms in horror movies
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Jail
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.