@mrtruthandsoul

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

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@dshack8

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

@SufficientCharm

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

@causticbob

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

@TFriss

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

@MaybePileJokes

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

@BastardProphet

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

@gneicco

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

@LipLush1

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

@UncleDuke1969

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?