@kelkulus

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

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@KrazykurtKurt

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

@dubstep4dads

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

@Jake_Vig

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

@GraceSpelman

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

@leftarmisme

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

@daemonic3

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

@jonnysun

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

@Reverend_Scott

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

@LFdiepretty

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.