Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

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Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs


If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again


You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac


Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?



Him: How much money do you have?


My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.


I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.


*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”


If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.