Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
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Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Real House Wines.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.