People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
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there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Sometimes? I’m slipping
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
New menu item
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.