Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
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The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
My five year plan is a meteorite
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
What in the hell is “disposable income”?