Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”