me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
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If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Social distancing in Australia:
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace