hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
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I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Always 🥴
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]