Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
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30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
The glockness monster
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Venn
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
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Morningbreath
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My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.