Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
LA today:
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet