Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
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My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.