“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
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Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas