Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
You Might Also Like
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”