I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
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“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence