“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
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[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
X-tra spooky blend
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.