Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
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I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!