The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
dictator is short for richard potato