[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
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cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
A woman drives into a bar.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”