My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Incredible customer service.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god