@Marlebean

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

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@mommajessiec

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

@jessbecause45

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

@DirectorAF1

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

@SteveSuckington

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

@jctwritesstuff

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

@CandyEmpires

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

@1Happytwit

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

@pauleggleston

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

@ThisLocalHater

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.