My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
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Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
#MeanwhileInCanada
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.