Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Me, flirting😏
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger