Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
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Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
B
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.