Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…