Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
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I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges