My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
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*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
i spent way too long on this
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
*puts cutlery down*
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.