Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
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My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.