One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
You Might Also Like
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.