Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
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Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Why do meteors always land in craters?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?