*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
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why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”