Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
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STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –