“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
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actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.