2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
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[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
is this store having a stroke wtf
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.